dbasrai

i’m a headline contributor for The Onion. here’s a sample list of my published headlines

Headlines Only

Visa Announces Cards Can Now Be Inserted, Swiped, Tapped, Bent, Clapped, Rolled, Shoved, Thrown, Dangled, Slid, Or Whacked

World Chess Championship Forced To Use Salt Shaker After Losing Bishop

Unclear What Strings Entrée Pulled To Nab Full-Page Picture On Menu

Iran Starts Stockpiling Strontium Just To Stress Out U.S. Intelligence

Optimistic Researchers Say There Still Time To Head Off Climate Change Before It Starts Killing Rich People

U.S. Responds To Rising Sea Levels By Patting East Coast With Towels

Man Mid-Shower Facing Grim Realization He’ll Have To Retrieve Face Wash He Left On Sink

‘Take Your Place By My Side And We Can Rule New York Forever,’ Says Covid To Disgraced, Vengeful Andrew Cuomo

DeSantis Threatens To Cut Hospital Funding If Surgeons Keep Wearing Masks

CDC Director Alarmed After Googling ‘Covid Cases’ For First Time in Weeks

Deadbeat Bird Deems Human Touching Eggs Good Enough Reason To Abandon Nest

Sharp Pain In Chest Infrequent Enough To Be Ignored

California Employees Hesitant About Returning To Office Currently On Fire

NYC Mayoral Primary Results Delayed Until Officials Finish Watching YouTube Explainer On Ranked Choice Voting

Group Occupying Only Seats of Restaurant Waiting Area Glancing Up With Quiet Defiance At Rest of Parties Standing

Dad Explains Geologic Concept To Family As If He Not Reading Straight From National Park Wayside Exhibit

‘Oh God What Happened Now,’ Mumbles Congressperson After Seeing Massive NRA Donation

Vaccine Dose Reminds Sedentary Man What Muscle Soreness Feels Like

Marathon Runner Collapses A Little Too Early To Be Compassionately Helped Across Finish Line

Biden Nominates Popular Twitter Account @PossumEveryHour For OMB After Discovering Bipartisan Support Of Tweets

‘Then You’ll Put Out A Nice Press Release Stepping Down As CEO,’ Whispers Rogue Fulfillment Bot Holding Bezos At Gunpoint

Fossilized Skeleton Shows Ancient Man Likely Died From Being Smashed In Skull By Archaeological Pickaxe

‘She’s Now Eating A Muffin In The Commissary,’ Posts Congresswoman Boebert Continuing To Livetweet Pelosi’s Location

Man Catches Himself Scrolling Social Media While He Supposed To Be Masturbating

Google AI Zones Out While Being Trained On Mandatory Racial Sensitivity Data Set

Barr Announces No Widespread Election Fraud After Clicking Warning Label On Flagged Trump Tweets

Alternate Price Of Book In Canadian Dollars Gives Man Little Window Into What Life Would Be Like If He Were Canadian

Nation Even More Unsure Than Usual Whether To Hug Cousin

‘How Can They Expect Me To Focus Today?’ Asks Man Putting In Usual Half-Assed Effort At Work

‘See, I Clean Up Nice,’ Announces Ugly, Dirty Man In Suit

Elementary Student Learning Microsoft Word Goes Straight For Center Justify

Appeals Court Opens Across The Street From Regular Court To Drum Up Business

Russian Opposition Leader Vows Never To Eat At Tomsk Airport Café Again After Getting Nerve Agent Poisoning There

Ice Cream Shop With Unlimited Free Samples Mentally Added To Growing Homelessness Contingency Plan

Pretentious Third-Grader Only Reading Children’s Books That Won Newbery Medal

DNC Pours All Campaign Funding Into New York, California To Win Popular Vote By Even Greater Margin Than 2016

Facebook Purchases Oculus VR For Another Billion After Forgetting They Already Bought It In 2014

‘Apple Outsources Majority Of Labor To Countries With Child Labor,’ Reads New ‘Fortnite’ Loading Screen Tip

Roommmate Topping off Brita Pitcher After Single Use Clearly Scarred From Some Earlier Incident

Friend In Passenger Seat Working In Some Creative Flourishes In Ghostwritten Text Message To Driver’s Mom

Tylenol Suppresses Only Physical Symptom of Brain Tumor

MTV Names Richard Lewis New Host of ‘Wild ’N Out’ In Effort To Court Jewish Audience

Teens Flock To New App Where They Just Enter Own Personal Data Into Form

‘I Want You To Love Again One Day,’ Whispers Dying Man Clearly Overestimating Amount Of Grief Wife Will Experience

NASA To Rename Building In Honor of ‘Hidden Figures’ Actress Octavia Spencer

Public Pressure Mounts For U.S. Government To Stop Designating KKK As 501(c)(3) Nonprofit

Occupation Drop-Down Menu Forces Man To Scroll Past List Of Every Existing Job Before He Can Select ‘Unemployed’

Army Guy Wears Glasses